My first STD was from a foam party
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
