hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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