i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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