Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
