You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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