"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
