Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
