im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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