Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize