Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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