Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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