dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
