overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
