it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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