is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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