Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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