he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
