new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i wish my penis had a tongue
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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