I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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