Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
