from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
