It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
