I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
