All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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