She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
