I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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