I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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