the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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