Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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