My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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