Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize