My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I need a burrito and a hug.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
