I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i love accidental penises.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Congratulations! We have a period
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