Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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