you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
