I am in a vortex of obligation.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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