I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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