____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
