i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
operation have a gay friend backfired
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
