There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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