the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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