its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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