I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
