my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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