Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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