she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
