News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
