So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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