I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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