I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
