I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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