I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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