I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
