ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
