So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
