I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
