Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
