lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
