I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
